Plus5 Goggles of Shipping
by Brother Mirtillo
Summary: A collection of pairing drabbles - if it fits, it ships! Author makes no guarantees about the definition of "fits." / / Final chapter: Wantedshipping, featuring the sixth member of the Order!
1. Eventshipping

_Here's how this is gonna work:_

_1) The characters are not mine._

_2) There is no guarantee that the ideas for these ships are mine._

_3) But the chapter names will be._

_4) And I swear I didn't read any fics with these ships before I wrote these._

_5) I'm determined to limit myself to a true drabble each time._

_Apart from that, anything goes. I've got a few chapters in mind, but it'll take awhile to do them justice in only 100 words. (Requests are also welcome - go on, bewilder me.) So in the meantime, I'll use a classic pairing as a warmup..._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1:<strong> Eventshipping

**Pairing:** True Neutral x Chaotic Evil

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>"Protection from Fire."<p>

The threatening flames retreated from the red robe's hem, and Belkar threw aside the firewood. "Friggin' hell! How'd you–"

"You are not the only party member with olfactory capabilities." Swallowing before turning to face him, Vaarsuvius stammered, "Be forewarned, our months apart have scarcely erased your nocturnal sabotage tactics from my memory. Even while trancing, I shall remain vigilant, and you cannot comprehend the countermeasures I have arranged for–"

A swift pebble to the throat brought silence, minus the froggy wheezing. "Yeah, I missed you too, Ears. Shut up." But him turning away didn't hide his smile.


	2. Crusadershipping

_One other thing: the character tags in the story's description are going to remain "V/Belkar." This isn't because I'll have a second chapter of Eventshipping – it's because I won't always include the characters' names, and in those cases, I want to let you guess. The alignments will be your hint. (Unless they're minor characters, in which case you're not the only one guessing.)_

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong> Crusadershipping

**Pairing:** Lawful Good x Lawful Evil

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>"...faith is never easy, but <em>someone<em> must carry it!"

"Of course they don't understand _– _that would require Wisdom."

Their laughter peppered the smoky bar. She trailed off, wistful, unable to see beneath his hood. _Damned Northern winters..._

He, however, could observe her silky black hair, her smooth skin.

She leaned closer. "It is honorable, a gaze that remains fixed on one's gods." She reached towards his cheek...

Awakening, he recoiled. "I- I'm sorry." He paid for both their tabs. "I have to get back."

The driving snow sobered him mercilessly. He tightened his overcoat, lest his red cloak slip out.


	3. Portshipping

**Chapter 3:** Portshipping

**Pairing:** Lawful Good x Lawful Good

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>Lien sighed deeply as the spell erased her wounds. "Thank you."<p>

"Nae problem, lass. Yer own healin' went ta great use, I promise ye."

She remembered, "The rest of the Guard... just give me two rounds against that abomination-"

"Lien! They did ther duty, and ye did yers." Slowly, he smiled, "Thor's fist, lass, I've known dwarves wi' worse senses of duty than ye. But Hinjo an' tha other Azurites are here. Tha's where we'll be."

"...We?"

"Aye, o' course."

Her wounds had faded, but he'd kept his hand touching her. She laid her hand over his. "Again, thank you."


	4. Rottenshipping

_This is where we go off the deep end. It wouldn't be an Order of the Stick shipping collection if it didn't get weird. The next few chapters will include two slashfics, one dice-rolled crackfic... and this._

_I wouldn't do this for any other fandom, you know._

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><p><strong>Chapter 4:<strong> Rottenshipping

**Pairing:** Neutral Evil x [technically] Lawful Good

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>Before she saw it, she smelled it: the delectable scent of rotting flesh. Flying down, she found its cart hidden behind some crates. "What's a corpse like you doing in a place like this?"<p>

Odd, it was in full armor. And there was another scent...

Aha, a pine air freshener around its neck. _Weirder..._ yet the combination produced a heady, overpowering aroma. She leaned over it, breathing deeply, gazing at that wide frame, those lean, hard bones-

A shriek echoed not too far away. _My babies!_ But not until the second shriek could she tear herself away and fly off.


	5. Patchshipping

**Chapter 5:** Patchshipping

**Pairing:** Chaotic Good x Lawful Good

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>Having driven off the dastardly mouse, shadows, and cobwebs, Elan resumed watch over his charge. Again, he admired how poised Hinjo could remain, even in sleep. A paladin's Charisma, a true guardian's balance of strength and agility, and even his clean haircut and beard stayed tidy as he dreamt. A ruler any swordsman would want to serve under...<p>

The blond bard caught his breath and gripped his rapier for confidence. Somehow, he felt like Haley would be angry if she were here. _Mommy never mentioned anything like this..._ Bodyguards had lots of dramatic responsibilities, but this one was optional... right?


	6. Bothwayshipping

**Chapter 6:** Bothwayshipping

**Pairing:** Chaotic Evil x True Neutral

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>"Gods, I'm bored."<p>

"Untie me and give me a head start. That'll liven things up."

She smirked. "No. I still have to pick a disguise." Her winged form vanished, becoming a hulking sorcerer. "Impressed?"

"Please. I've met tougher guys at the commoners' tavern."

"...Yes, you would have." Female again, red-headed, slender. "Ever consider... branching out?"

Julia scowled. "Look, just because you miss your boyfriend doesn't-"

"Ah, I see. The only thing that gets your attention-" _[morph]_ "-is the very best."

For once, she was lost for words. She didn't even pull back when her mirror image gracefully mounted her lap.


	7. Timbershipping

_And now, the crackfic. All things considered, I think the dice could have given a much more troublesome result. Got any guesses who it is?_

_Tune in soon for the final few chapters, including the last member of the main party._

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><p><strong>Chapter 7:<strong> Timbershipping

**Pairing:** Chaotic Evil (seeing as he's a vampire now) x True Neutral

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>He dodged one head, skewered another, clubbed a third with his other sword, body-slammed the fourth, and punched out the last, smiling through his beard to imagine Samantha's face.<p>

The beast tried to glare, but eye contact enthralled it instantly.

Without drawing breath, he admired it, his only challenge since _then_. Such necks, sinuous and powerful, scaly and sleek…

"No," intoned the necromancer, halting his approach. "The Oracle does not accept corrupted goods."

Eventually, he wrenched his eyes away and bowed stiffly until "master" turned away. _The night is young – he'll sleep eventually._ Licking his lips, he gazed. _Tonight, darling._


	8. Smiteshipping

**Chapter 8:** Smiteshipping

**Pairing:** Lawful Good x Lawful Good

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>His gaze drifted to her anvil until she located his katana. He bowed civilly, "Thank you for your dedicated assistance."<p>

Stiffly, she surrendered it, bowing likewise, eyes remaining downcast. For months, he'd called upon her business - terse initially, then conversational. Occasionally humorous. Even for trivial repairs...

Silence stretched. "The ships are not yet full. Surely–"

"Do not ask again!" Softening her voice, she took his hands half-consciously. "Azure City needs defenders. I- I must stay."

He swallowed. "...as I must go." Leaning in, they touched foreheads. "Twelve Gods be with you." He lingered... then stepped back, then departed.

"...Farewell, O-Chul."


	9. Legalshipping

**Chapter 9:** Legalshipping

**Pairing:** Lawful Good x True Neutral

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>The first drink calmed her down.<p>

The next three, not so much.

"…try to save a life I see how it is…"

Gently, Hank kept her steady while opening the door. _For a Medium-sized chick, she's pretty light._

"…cousin was venturer didn't survive six months."

She slumped down onto the bed, but he'd already hopped up to support her.

Her blond hair hung over her dazed smile. "Thanks… You're the only truster… trust-wor-thy guy here."

…_The responsible thing would be to stay, make sure she sleeps safely._

When Celia's collapse made him fall atop her… _Well, that was obviously accidental._


	10. Wantedshipping

_Final chapter, and I hope you liked this at least as much as I did. If I decide to try this genre again, I'll know some tricks no matter what the story's length, and I might even follow a truly cracked dice roll._

_See you around the playground._

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><p><strong>Chapter 10:<strong> Wantedshipping

**Pairing:** Chaotic Neutral x Chaotic Good

Visit the Crack Pairings thread and help spread the love. Yes, _that_ type of love.

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><p>Skewering the final hoodlum, he approached their prone target. Lithe, red-headed…<p>

"Are you rolling initiative, Grandpa?"

"No, diplomacy." He helped her up, gently kissing her fingers. "Do you have a long journey ahead, miss?"

"Maybe."

"Ah, so do I. The skies beckon towards glorious adventures!"

She raised an eyebrow.

"The _Mechane_, miss. Fastest airship there is!"

"Are you taking passengers?"

"It'd be dangerous, far more—"

Her longbow whipped up. "Sneak Attack!"

He tumbled, rapier ready, then saw the three thugs behind him collapse, choking on arrows.

She grinned. "I can handle it."

…_Damn._ "This way, miss. It will be unforgettable."


End file.
